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EVOTE.COM’s DNC Frat Boy Guide to the Seedy Fun of Boston! It’s 2am. You’re in Boston. You want a stripper, hooker, man-love, smack and/or some beer. What’s a delegate to do? Hold on to your wallet! EVOTE.COM offers the only guide of what you *really* want to do in Boston, but just won’t admit: watch naked broads dance, pay for sex with either gender, buy drugs or drink some after hours illegal beer. Guess whose house is smack in between prostitutes and the Fleet Center? John Kerry! Now go have some fun! Black Market Boston

[July 25, 2004 evote.com]  Ok, let’s admit it, guys. You’re heading to Boston wearing your four-day delegate hat to help create a new platform for the Democratic Party and learn about how you can help your 2004-version of the American savior make it to Hampton Court on Mount Olympus.

But that’s a lie, isn’t it?

You really don’t give a damn what happens at the DNC. The only thing you want to do is have a good frat-party time because you know damn well (and you sure as hell won’t admit this to any reporter), the DNC is one HUGE waste of time. The only time you will even half use your brain is when you try to figure out whose two daughters you would rather bang, Kerry’s or Bush’s.

Hell, you might even be hoping for a terrorist attack to end the extreme boredom.

So when all these politicians and political activists are vomiting tortuous politically-correct speeches you have already heard countless times, you won’t be listening or waving signs unless told to do so by your supervisor.

You will instead be checking out the pretty legs of the girl sitting a few rows up who is thirty years your junior. Oh sure, when you get home you will tell your high-maintenance plastic blowups and financially-crippling obnoxious offspring that Boston is such a great safe city, that it is the home of Paul Revere and impressionist paintings—but you won’t see any of that. You will only see legs, breasts and bums all over the place--and nothing else because nothing else matters.

Democrats, the Party Party
And since the Democrats are the party of loose morals and uninhibited whoremones and hedonism, you want to know exactly where to go when in town to let your hair down on that mostly bald head of yours.

And you’re allowed to. You’re a Democrat.

After all, you’re not a member of that other party, that group of sanctimonious Christian fundamentalists who will insist on crowding out every church in late August on Manhattan Island just to hypocritically show how morally superior they are.

In Boston, you’re determined to have a good time away from your family. That’s because you’re a man, a real man, a John Wayne kind of man, and damn it, you’re going to drink heartily and spread your semen all over Boston. You’re going to leave your mark. They’re going to end up naming a street after you.

Hell, you might even bring your gun just to piss off all the girly-girl pro-gun-control Democratic Bostonians who want to take that penis-extension away from you. Their problem is that they don’t understand the pleasure of blowing the beak off a sitting pregnant duck who has 11 yellow chicks to feed. You will tell reporters you support gun-control while your steel friend is rubbing against Mr. Power just underneath your trousers.

Drink and Stare at Women Here
We at EVOTE.COM know what’s important. We’ve decided to get away from politics for a moment and talk about what you really need to know--where to watch broads dance in the nude.

To watch women dressed as they should be required to at the office, there are only two places close to your hotel in Boston, both on tiny Lagrange Street between Tremont Street and Washington Street just past the Boston Common.

Take the Green line subway, or what we call the “T”, to the Boylston Street Station and get off there. Here you will find the all nude bars, the “Glass Slipper” and the higher-class “Centerfolds” across the street. Both close at 2.a.m., the latest for all Massachusetts bars.

In the darker section of Boston called Roxbury, you'll find a strip bar called the Highland Tap Room on Washington Street. Take a cab there. (And watch your wallet.)

For politicians with extra cash willing to spend campaign contributions on fact finding tours of girly bars, there are two large excellent all-naked places on Route 1 in the town of Peabody, about 30 minutes north of Boston. They are the “Golden Banana” and “Cabaret,” with the taxi costing $55.40 each way plus tip. Boston Cab is the best of the cab companies.

Although the above nudie bars are pretty good, you may want to wait until you are in Quebec, Canada to see a show, as the girly bars there are generally far superior.

After Drinking and Staring, Find Easy Women Here
After a few drinks without the pleasure of touching smooth skin, some of the more touchy-feely Democrats will be willing to pay for sex, so EVOTE.COM is here to the rescue. But first a caveat. Boston as a venue to pay for sex is poor in comparison to many other places.

For American venues, nothing is probably better than the counties in Nevada that allow prostitution, which by the way does not include Las Vegas. Legal girls are more trustworthy, although the law insists on condom use.

Amsterdam in Holland allows prostitution too, so you might want to wait until you go there, also. Plus you can also smoke hash legally in Amsterdam, so it really is a better place to hold the DNC. Since much of Europe has pretty much decriminalized prostitution, an option is to wait and pay for sex when you bring your wife and kids to France for a vacation.

But if you insist on for paying for sex in Boston, then do it though the yellow pages.

Look under “escorts”, although these companies insist there is no sex involved. There are several pages of escort services in the Yellow Pages, most of the huge number of ads leading back to just a handful of agencies.

For a reliably good time, try Blue Moon Escort Referral at 1 (800) 649-8689. Blue Moon has been servicing Boston's politicians since 1984. Escort outfits may also be found in free papers including the “Boston Phoenix” and the “Weekly Dig.” It is no coincidence these papers espouse a strong liberal Democratic slant. Perhaps Massachusetts Democratic Senator John Kerry will seek their endorsement for president.

The Tricks of Tricking
But beware; even the girls employed by established escort services are usually end-of-the-line types or emaciated drug addicts, which is why EVOTE.COM recommends legal places outside of Massachusetts.

Escort service whore wranglers may tell you on the phone the price is $200 an hour, but only upon arrival does your rent-a-date inform you it costs additional money to have sex.

Hookers will often steal from you if given the chance. A person at an exclusive Boston hotel once asked for a blonde to come to the hotel. The john’s escort turned out to be a girl of Asian descent in a blonde wig, who stole his watch before leaving.

Sometimes the escort girls will simply leave as soon as they're paid up front, without having exerted themselves at all. If a thwarted delegate tries to stop them, the shrill escort will scream in a nice hotel, causing a bad situation.

Escort girls are street tough and so are the people who run the agencies. Think about getting your rocks off in other places.

Escort Services Miss Regulars This Week
A man who refused to give his name and answered the phone at the escort service, “Midnight Express,” tells EVOTE.COM he does not know how much business there will be for his agency during the week of the DNC. The handler says he is concerned business might be less than normal because so many people have left the city.

He says he is worried, along with everyone else, about increased traffic due to road closing to provide additional security from a terrorist attack. He does not know if he can get the girls to the hotels.

A tip: Order your escort(s) around midnight or so, traffic will be less of a problem.

A study done recently by the Beacon Hill Institute shows escort services are not alone in worrying about a decrease in business during DNC week. The survey says only 11 percent of 100 Boston businesses expect to gain from the convention. And 73 percent expect to either break even or lose money compared to last year.

Graham Wilson of the Weekly Dig says advertising for the DNC week edition is up all around, including escorts. Michael Bornhorst of the Boston Phoenix says advertising is up generally for the edition, but escorts have stayed flat. Bornhorst adds he has not seen any merchants pull their advertising for DNC week because of a fear of limited business due to traffic congestion.

The Girls on the Street are All Within Reach If You Know What to Do
Now we know what you’re thinking. What about prostitutes who walk the streets who often charge about $50? Well, twenty years ago before AIDS and vigorous police sting operations against both johns and girls, that might have been easy. Boston now has very few girls walking the streets and finding them is difficult, even if you know where to look.

The street hookers in Boston are the ones who pretty much were rejected by the telephone escort agencies, so they are the very worst. Often they are more than forty years old, ugly, hefty and battle scarred. The vast majority are minorities, as are the women provided by telephone agencies. The street whores we talked to didn't know what the DNC is, or that it is going on this week.

These days a twenty-something attractive girl walking the streets is especially hard to find in Boston, particularly after the bars close. And if you do pick up a street hooker, make damn sure you always know where your wallet is. The streetwalkers of Boston are usually desperate for money to feed their drug habits.

To make sure you are not an undercover cop, the smarter girls will feel your engine before talking to you. Some sex workers EVOTE.COM talked to said cops do not permit hookers to feel their dick, so it has been a reliable anti-cop strategy.

Ok, Ok, If You Still Want a Streetwalker…

But if you insist on looking for street hookers, then go to the Boylston T stop, walk down Tremont away from the Boston Common to Stuart Street. We recommend going left on Stuart Street, which then changes to Kneeland Street, and then continue to Hudson Street. Take a left on Hudson into Boston’s Chinatown near all the late night restaurants, and then go left on Beach Street up to Harrison Avenue. Girls can be found at this corner and one block to the left or right. If you still haven’t found the one to meet mom, then continue up Beach St. to Washington St.

Now this may seem strange to rural folks, but if you do find a sweet young thing, make damn sure she is indeed a female. Many of the hookers that appear as attractive girls are actually transvestites or gay men dressed up as women, often fooling the johns. Lots of men have been blown by men, thinking it was an attractive girl with big hands.

Man To Man, Hand To Hand Combat
Since the Democratic Party has become the party of homosexual love, we would be remiss if we did not tell you about where to find gay male prostitutes. But that depends on what kind of gay man you are looking for.

To find the more queenly gay male hookers go to Boylston St. across from Fenway Park by the convenience store. There is one gay bar there, and depending on which night it is, sometimes two.

Very close to the Fleet Center, at 119 Merrimack Street, you can find a gay bar that seems to cater to the more masculine-dressed gays. The hookers and hustlers outside appear after most of the area bars close and the streets become empty. It's hard to tell a gay male hooker from a heterosexual male. Often the workers have beards or are dressed in fatigues. They look and act tough and hang out until sunrise.

On weeknights, the hookers here usually start to appear at 1 a.m., weekends at 3 a.m., but with the national gay convention in town, they may not appear at all.

For Boys Who Want Boys Who Dress Like Girls

For transvestite hookers, go to a downtown residential area of Boston called Bay Village on tiny Broadway, near a gay bar called Jacques. This bar often features transvestite performers. This area is heavily patrolled by Boston police because the local residents do to not want the hookers coming around. A few feet away from Jacques is a brotherly-love place called the Napoleon Club.

And for those of you seeking man-man companionship after hours, take a cab to an unofficial club at tiny 93 Wareham Street in the deep South End of Boston, between Albany Street and Harrison Ave. Lots of sex goes on here. Go upstairs -- as there is no sign on the door, a common occurrence with some gay establishments. But you already know that, with the extensive research Democrats have done.

There are a few secret, significant places to find gay sex in Boston without having to pay for it, but like poor farmers, even man-hoes* have to make a living. (*That was a Cadillac sized hint.)

Let’s Face It, Many of You Will Want to buy Drugs
Now for the street drug scene.

To pull this off you must be willing to deal with some real bastards. They will unequivocally steal from you if given the chance, as they are virtually all former convicts. EVOTE.COM does not recommend dealing with them at all. These guys are tougher than you are. Buy your drugs at home, have 'em FedExed out to Boston or give it up entirely.

If you insist on purchasing drugs off the Boston streets, go to the corner of Tremont Street. and Stuart Street. This corner, so close to Boston’s best theatres, at times has intense drug dealing going on. More dealers can usually be found by walking one block to the right towards Park Square.

If you still have not found the drug of your choice, turn around and head down Stuart Street towards South Station. Continue past Washington Street to Hudson Street. (This is the same place the nasty street hookers are.) Look for mostly black men either standing alone or in groups, who are most likely runners and will tell you they can get you anything, even if it isn’t true.

You're much more likely to score drugs in Boston once the area bars and theatres have been closed for a few hours. On a weekend dealers start hanging out at about 3 a.m., midnight during the week.

Do not under any circumstances pay a drug dealer in Boston before checking out the merchandise. If you pay in advance, chances are great you will either be sold oregano, borax, molasses mixed feces, and/or aspirin. Worse yet, these dangerous guys might just take off with your cash.

Damn, The Bars Close at 2am! Can You Still Get a Beer in Boston? Yes!

Pity the Irish alcoholic delegates from Illinois who want to continue drinking beer in a Chinese restaurant in the wee hours in a town where the law says all establishments must stop serving alcohol at 2 a.m. Take heart -- EVOTE.COM knows the way. Go to a restaurant called “Moon Villa” and order “cold tea.”

Do not ask for beer and you must order food to get the booze.

For decades there has been a credible rumor that the Boston Police drink there regularly. The BPD allegedly allows this and other establishments to sell beer illegally after hours. Moon Villa is located on tiny Edinboro Street in Chinatown between Essex and Beach Streets.

Other bars where you can drink after 2 a.m. include J.J. Foley’s at 21 Kingston Street and Doyle’s on Washington Street, way out in Boston’s Jamaica Plain neighborhood. At these two bars, they may not serve you if they have not seen you before. Press folks *might* get a drink if they tell embarassing stories about Sean Hannity.

So donkeys, it is time to have fun. And with so many Bostonians scared shitless about traffic and leaving town as a result, perhaps the roads may not be so congested after all. Have a good time and be safe. If you do not get blown up by Al Qaeda, perhaps you can still get blown.

[John Pike is a veteran journalist based in Boston. He has been a guest commentator on many radio stations and his articles have appeared in numerous magazines, newspapers and web sites, including the Boston Globe, Reason Magazine, Insight Magazine, Access Magazine and the Associated Press. He conducted years of extensive “research” to write this article. He can be reached at pike@evote.com]

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